Fight

 

Approaching day 50. Of being deliriously happy.

& there it was, Our first real fight.

It was bad.

It was fill with emotions & hurt.

For a moment, it felt like it didn't matter.

Felt like, I'm not important. 

But,

for the first time it was not a dirty fight.

We talked about it, make amends, identify where the mistake is. Told him what or which part that actually triggered me. & again, for the first time, I want to fight for it. Cause what we have is worth it. It's impossible to stay mad at him with those look he gave me. A look full with emotions. Love, starstruck & for the most of it, guilt.

I didn't mean to make him that way. But I have to be firm, because I really hate what he did. It brings me back to hundred of dark memories. Those memories which took me forever to move on from. Memories that made me believe that happily ever after do not exist.

The nightmares hunt me sometimes. Makes me wonder, if it is normal for people to lie. Because lying, to me, no matter how small, is still lying. They started off with the small lies too. & in the end? I get cheated on, I get treated like shit for figuring out their big lies. So the moment I caught someone lying to me, I straight go from "cheerful Myien" to "Defensive Trust Issues Myien".

& I hate that version of me. I really do.

All these while, when I ran away from things that hurt me, I was actually running away from that version of me. Cause, I have been rock bottom. The lowest I've ever been. It took me forever to recover from that. I shut people out, as if there's a door separating me with the world. 

But hey, there's a reason for the phrase, kiss & make up right?

No longer mad, no longer hurt by it. I know the scar is still there. Once in a while, that defensive mode of me is going to come out. Well, it did last night. But yeah, I will slowly learn to overcome it. Heal from it. I will. 

Pray for me care bears?

Till next time, xx!